And now for something completely different

I thought I'd write something that I've been thinking about doing for some time. I've done a little bit about this before, back in the day when I was using Facebook Notes instead of having a feed to a REAL BLOG ON THE WIDER INTARWEBS. Basically, I read and watch a lot of science fiction, fantasy and general spooky-ooky explodey stuff. The older I get and the more I see of the internet, the more I realise that there are some fucking terrible plotlines and stereotypes that keep getting used. Instead of getting angry, I thought it'd be a nice change to make fun of them. Remember, this is all done by a colossal nerd- I have a lot of love for tacky 'supernatural mysteries' novels, for example- and it's all done in good humour. It's not meant to be an attack on your personal taste, yor favourite writer or your preferred celebrity sex object. Honestly.

I'm sure you'll all know of at least one example of these things from your own favourite books, films or TV shows. So here we go: a list of the cheesy shit that nerds fall for every single time. Enjoy.

Attractive young ladies with supernatural talents have difficult choices to make. The blonde vampire or the brunette one? The vampire or the werewolf? The red shoes or the black ones? Gosh, life is difficult for a 20-year-old American blonde who can do martial arts in high heels. So very difficult.

The older someone is, and the harder they are to kill, the more likely it is that the love of their life is human. Life's a bitch, I know. And this is responsible for the next one...

OH GOD IT IS SO SAD AND LONELY BEING 500 YEARS OLD. LOOK AT THIS SINGLE TEAR RUNNING DOWN MY PERFECTLY SCULPTED CHEEKBONE. I AM SO SAD. WHY GOD, WHY. I AM SO ALONE. NOBODY LOVES ME. EVEN THOUGH I AM REALLY, REALLY, RIDICULOUSLY GOOD-LOOKING. SO SAD. An hour and a half of this (all in caps since it's often shitty acting too) and some poor bastard's career is ruined as he embarks on a lifetime of being stalked by fifteen-year-old girls who send pictures they've drawn in felt tip of 'you and me together forever'.

You see that bloke over there in the black cloak? Yeah, the shifty-looking one. He's secretly one of the good guys. I don't care if he's flirting with your mother, he's definitely on your side.

Having no parents is actually pretty awesome, and hanging out with really old dudes is completely normal when you're an orphan. Can't get anything done without a teenage orphan and/or a wizard. Preferably both. Which is totally not creepy at all.

Oh no! That kindly old man has been killed by an enemy! Our quest is ruined! Oh no, wait, he's back again in a different outfit. Or he might be a ghost. Or a painting that moves, or with a new face, or some other shit like that. Either way, you're not getting rid of the grumpy old bastard that easily. (Totally obvious references to mainstream geekery right here, +1 internet if you can get them all)

If it's called Captain Jack, you don't know where it's been, and you should avoid it in case you catch something nasty. I'm just warning you.

Bad guys dress in black. They all seem to look like Alan Rickman, Jeremy Irons or Tim Curry. At least, they do if you can see their face.

Ceiling Dark Lord is watching you masturbate. Because he has no body of his own, you see, and is incredibly jealous. But one day he will rise again, and then we're all dead meat, unless you go over to the Dark Side and rule at his side, or whatever. You could, you know, if you're a protagonist. And if he didn't kill your dad, he probably is your dad.

Weedy people and tramps are generally the heirs to thrones that have been abandoned for centuries while the villagers tell tourists about magic swords and how awesome life was back in the day before these smug cunts at the palace took over while conveniently not using the title 'king'.

That brave soldier was a girl all along! Who would have known? What a shocker!

I AM RIDING ALONG THE FRONT LINE OF TROOPS ON A BATTLEFIELD. I AM MAKING A DEEP AND INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH AS I DO SO AND I AM YELLING PRETTY LOUDLY. YOU ARE ALL ABOUT TO BE MASSACRED IN SLOW MOTION BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE MY HORSE IS WHITE. YAY, HORSIE. I TURN AROUND AND BELLOW WORDLESSLY AND THEN WE ALL RUN WITH NO REAL COMMANDS. FOR NARNIA/MIDDLE EARTH/WHEREVER THE FUCK WE ARE! *waves sword vaguely*

Please feel free to add your own, it's almost midnight and I have work in the morning. It'd be awesome to come back to this and see a growing list of silliness rather than an internet fight about how I'm just so mean for not liking your favourite programme ever.

Science. It works, bitches.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same for arguing on the internet.

I am currently getting back into things outside of being angry on the internet, which is why I haven't been blogging for the last six weeks. Sorry. I've been knitting and watching House, for the most part. And I've watched Inglourious Basterds and Watchmen, so that took up about a week. I mean really, it's about time somebody made a good film that doesn't take so long that you're going grey by the end.

I've been listening to Lady Gaga too, but I won't blog about her because enough people are doing that already. Actually analysing her poker face.

Anyway.

There's been some science journalism! Actual writing about science that isn't ZOMG EVILUTION or CLIMATE CHANGE IS LIES or RICHARD DAWKINS IS A MEAN PERSON BAWWW. To be fair, it's basically the good old Graun letting their Comment is Free people rage about how life isn't fair. Makes sense, given the Guardian's central dogma: Gosh, we should try and make things fair, those people over there aren't so fortunate, poor dears *wibble*

So. Not a lot of actual science, but lots of wonderful debate (well, internet arguments) about how science is marginalised, girls are discouraged and people just plain get it wrong. I would advise against reading the comment threads if you're easily annoyed, because for some reason people migrate over from the Mail just to go "You're all a bunch of Commies who want to destroy family values and make baby Jesus cry, good day to you."

Sharing time!

First: An article that pisses me off. Apparently Ann Coulter, that complete fucking maniac from America, has convincing arguments against natural selection. Right, and Sarah Palin has just come up with a way to make abstinence-only sex ed work for every teenager.

And here's the response.

A little bit about science and politics. This one is about a week old, sorry.

An article that caused a big old fight in the comments about whether engineers are sexist (probably depends on the individual engineer), whether girls are genuinely less able to do science (doubtful, although there's a case for ladygeeks being a little rarer than dudegeeks) and autism (just shut the fuck up and read a book already).

And lastly...

SCIENCE IS AWESOME YOU GUYS and we should appreciate it more because it's not very well loved right now. Biology, chemistry and physics are all sat in the corner with their funny-shaped dice being all uncool. Maths is there too. Poor maths.

BUT WAIT!

A special bonus round from the BBC which many of you will have seen already.

Thanks, powers that be, for deciding that higher education isn't important after all. Research? Pfft.

DEY TOOK OUR JERBS

That's right, take jobs from a useful department. I mean, it's not like Reading is in the middle of the UK's equivalent of the Silicone Valley or anything. Hey, do you guys remember that one time they closed the Physics department because it was totally expensive and nerdly? Who cares about research grants? We can totally save more money by just making all the expensive students piss off somewhere else. I don't know who the fuck does the admin for UoR but they need a right good kicking.

Have a good weekend everybody, try not to get quite as rage-filled and bitter as I am ;)

Normal service should resume soon, when I have a bit less to talk about all at once and can give 100% to one thing at a time.

No surprises here

Well, here's an interesting article from the BBC.

The doctor who started the MMR scare acted unethically.

Yes. That, and he somehow forgot how to conduct a trial, making him unethical and also shit at science.

Paying kids a fiver for a blood sample taken at his son's birthday party? No wonder people believe him when he says MMR vaccines cause autism. He's clearly a really trustworthy dude.

Liberal Agenda

09:00 Giant pansexual orgy. May or may not include teenagers.

10:00 Abortion

11:00 Sacrifice dead foetus to Satan

12:00 Eat the foetus

13:00 Quiet time for foetus digestion and contemplation. Reading The God Delusion, the Guardian or any other evil liberal gaytheist feminazi tract of doom.

14:00 Lecture- Communism and How to Infiltrate the Christian Nation that is the United States of America with the Red Menace

15:00 Gay wedding

16:00 Science time! Today's topics- cosmology, evolutionary biology and climate change. Today's practical- convince yourself that these are all true so you can brainwash the children of decent God-fearing folk.

17:00 Change into goth clothes

18:00 Travel to metal concert of your choice. Mosh. Stomp on small children. Worship Satan. Again.

00:00 Midnight Mass. Get naked and dance around a bonfire chanting about Karl Marx and the NHS

Angry

I have spent a long time being told that I'm angry. Not only is this a shock to some people, but they don't seem to view it as a valid emotion, especially from someone like me- female, physically nondescript, not at all intimidating at first glance and wearing a geeky t-shirt.

So. Here is a post about anger, and why I am angry.

I am angry because so many people see my talent for science as nerdy, antisocial and elitist. I am angry because where I am proud of something that enables me to help others and make the world a better place, they see a woman who is too smart for her own good and needs taking down a peg or two.

I am angry that because of this, many people would avoid listening to me, my friends, or even people like doctors who they really need to listen to. I am angry that homeopathy, spiritual healing, anti-vaxxers, climate change denialists and intelligent design advocates get more respect and time to air their views, which leads to a spiral of ignorance and further anti-intellectualism.

I am angry that so many awful things happen in the world, and so many people are indifferent. We are all selfish, but sometimes it's right to take time out and give a little money, forward a link, do any one tiny thing to increase awareness of something that we feel is important. Jedward do not count as something to be concerned about, although they are quite shit.

I am angry that people will give up their freedom in the name of terrorism, not realising that the terrorists want exactly that- entire nations frozen with fear and giving up their way of life.

I am angry that even in supposedly liberal and civilised countries like my own, people are hurt and killed because of what they look like, how they dress, how they act, or who they love.

I am angry that theocracy and totalitarianism still exist, and still oppress people over stupid rules that make no sense.

I am angry that having a vagina puts me at more risk of sexual and domestic violence. I am angry that having a penis would put me at a higher risk of assault and being murdered by some random person. I am angry that being transgender would but me at a stupidly high risk of violence. I am angry that people cannot be safe, and that they are blamed when they are hurt even though the real answer is to stop the bad behaviour of others.

I am angry that so many women across the world are not allowed to control their own reproduction. I am angry that religious leaders lie to control people through guilt over natural sexual behaviour. I am angry that these things come together to cause the spread of HIV, which is currently an incurable condition.

I am angry that people automatically blame the circumstances of my childhood on my mother and look down on her as a member of society, even though she always did the best she could. I am angry that her divorce was not her fault, and that she worked so hard, only for people to write her off as 'just another single mother' or a woman who couldn't 'keep a husband'. I am angry that her partner found it so hard to get custody of his daughter even though the events which led to him getting custody could have put her in a lot of danger. I am angry at the system which breeds these attitudes and allows these discriminatory practices even in the law, because they somehow manage to be sexist towards men AND women.

I am angry that I have lost so many family members, whether through bereavement or (in the case of my father) them just not really giving much of a shit about me. I am angry at my uncle for dying, because he did something silly and he was the best father figure I had. I am angry because there are people who shrugged when I was upset over his death and did not apologise.

I am angry that I was bullied for an entire decade. I am angry that our society finds othering so accpetable that I have been verbally abused in the street for my choices in clothing and that a woman my age was once kicked to death for the same reason.

I am angry that I feel selfish and crazy for writing anything at all about my appearance, or how I feel as a woman, or bereavement. I am angry that I absorbed the negative things people have said about me in the past and still believe them. I am angry that people I don't even like got to me enough that I still think I'm ugly, that my body is all wrong, that my talents are not as special or good as the talents of others. I am angry that even typing thse things, let alone saying them out loud, makes me feel guilty. I didn't put these things in my head, and yet I blame myself for them being there.

I am angry at the phrase 'real women have curves'. Who are these people to tell me, or any other woman (biological or otherwise) whether we are real human beings? I am a real woman, because I say I am. I am a thin woman with large breasts compared to my overall build. Does this make me less of a woman, because my body fits certain ideals? No, it does not, especially given the number of ridiculous beauty standards that I cannot or will not meet. My curves are (mostly) small, that does not make them any less feminine. I eat. I walk everywhere. I like the way my body looks. Nobody else has the right to judge my body or anyone else's based on anything other than physical health, and even then, they'd better be a doctor. So what if I'm a size six? I'm also five foot three. I am in proportion. So is a size 16 woman six inches taller than me. Physical beauty doesn't just come in one form, it comes in many- probably in a slightly different form for each person you ask.

I am angry that our society encourages mediocrity, and that any deviation from the norm labels you as a freak so that others can point and laugh. I am angry that this stigmatises mental illness, medical conditions, sexual preferences and orientations, and even harmless everyday activities.

I am angry that so many people see the far right as an acceptable solution to economic downturn, overpopulation, and anything else that they are unhappy with. I am angry that the far right (and even the centre right, more often than I would like) exploit the insecurities of low-income people to make them afraid of things that will help them, like a health service or higher taxes which they would not be rich enough to pay anyway. I am angry that apparently, history repeats itself and the first sign of recession makes everyone look for a scapegoat and it's invariably people who are easy to demonise because their way of life is not understood by those attacking them.

I am even angry about trivial things, like the fact that the music I prefer is seen as stupid and simple despite the high percentage of metal musicians who are classically trained.

So.

I am angry about a lot of things.

But...

Anger can be a constructive emotion, if you use it properly.

Anger can inspire you to create great works of art, or some pretty average death metal. It can push you to better yourself, to rise above those who want to keep you down. Anger, if you can control it, can lead to changes for your own life and maybe even the lives of others, although you have to combine it with motivation and teamwork.

Anger is always seen as a negative emotion. It doesn't have to be destructive. I feel lucky that I can express my reasons for being angry reasonably well, because defining it makes it easier to handle. Making it easier to handle makes it easier to create something good from the bad feelings. I fuck up a lot, but I'm working on it. I hope you can support me in that, and maybe even get a little bit angry yourself.

I'm not looking for your opinions on whether you think I'm right or wrong here. Emotions don't work that way, and this is something that has been building for a long time. I just wanted to get some of this stuff out in the open, because a)it'll do me good and b)it might explain why I sometimes seem completely irrational.

I certanly feel better for writing it though.

For science! And vaginas!

This lady deserves a medal.

You can now buy My new Pink Button for $30 (not even attempting a conversion, sorry, I'm lazy). It's, well, erm... it's VAGINA DYE. Not hair dye for your pubes (which is genuinely hilarious) but skin dye for your actual vagina. So the lovely woman in the link above decided to try it out, purely in the interests of science (and vaginas).

It's not dye at all. It's Kool-Aid powder, or something very similar.

Basiccally, self-conscious women are being scammed into painting their lady-parts with squash in order to have a 'natural' pink colour down there. Not only do I find this incredibly bizarre, as vaginas aren't meant to be neon pink, but as a biologist it bugs me something awful. Vaginas are not meant to have sticky, sugary things in/on them (however much fun that may be in certain circumstances). It wrecks the pH and the balance of natural bacteria so you end up getting yeast infections- yeast loves sugar, by the way- and horrible things like bacterial vaginosis, which makes your fanny smell of fish and leak greyish-greenish stuff.

Crap like this is kind of funny at first glance, but when you realise that it's all a con to make women feel shitty about themselves it's actually something to get angry about. How many of the women reading this have actually thought about the colour of their vaginas? I'm guessing none of you have had a sleepless night over it, because generally, if someone is close enough to your vagina to know what colour it is, they're more interested in touching it than matching it to a paint chart.

Oh, and they also suggest that dudes can use it for that special 'glowing penis' look. Seriously beauty industry, what the fuck?

This is an American product by the way, although it appears you can buy it online so pretty much anyone with internets can get some. Nom nom nom.

My response to a question about Twilight, which you probably shouldn't read if you enjoyed the books...

I was on the internets, insulting mainstream pop culture as usual, when the question arose: Why did I think twilight was so bad?

So here is my answer so far, in full. Bear in mind that this is the full text of my replies to two one-line questions. I feel kind of cruel and rubbish for jumping on the Twilight-sucks bandwagon, but I also feel smart for not resorting to caps lock and trolling.

Why did you think the books were so bad?

Like I say, I only read the first one.

It wasn't written very well- Stephenie Meyer isn't exactly adventurous in her phrasing or the words she uses. I've read a lot of young adult/teenage fantasy and it just isn't up to the standard set by things like Harry Potter or Discworld. I know it's not quite the same as Twilight is 'real world' not magical world, but it's still about things that are not real in this universe.

It doesn't really fit in with other vampire books- I understand it's a new take on vampires and everything, but there's a proper mythology that most vampire stuff sticks to (Interview with the Vampire, the Sookie Stackhouse books, Buffy etc) and it's kind of bizarre that someone effectively ignores all the things people imagine when they hear 'vampire' and still writes a story about it.

Bella is a Mary Sue, a character who is so generic and vague that literally every reader identifies with her- it's one thing having empathy, but a good character will be fleshed out enough that they become a separate entity to yourself in your imagination rather than you being able to project your own life onto them.

So there you go. Not a standard everyone should go by, by any means, but I was expecting something different from a vampire novel.

But is it not a good thing that it's so different? Do you not think its a fantastic love story?

Well, no actually. It could have been lovely, but it turned out as something I wouldn't want any daughter of mine to read.

Edward is possessive, jealous and manipulative. If I saw a friend of mine with someone like that, I would be worried that there was potential for domestic violence. Anyone who wants to control you or freaks you out with things they do (like his insanely fast driving) is not a good person to be in a relationship with. I know these are meant to be 'vampire' personality traits but they're really not something for young girls to look for in a relationship. You and I both know it's just a story, but it seems (from looking around on the internet in general) that a lot of people really do want their Edward. That scares me. Women have been fighting for so long to make sure girls don't grow up thinking it's okay to be treated like shit, and now this comes along and tells them the opposite- and they listen to that instead.

It is a good thing that it's not the same as other vampire novels, I can admit that. However, I would say that's because young people will be exposed to a wider range of reading material through picking up a teenage romance like Twilight rather than because of the content. A few of those kids might end up being into science fiction, historical fiction, horror... or reading anything they can. Getting more people reading is always a good thing really.


So there we go. Crazy feminist bookworm (who, incidentally, also disliked Twilight for the total lack of sexyness) reviews a book series based on about three-quarters of the first book. I should probably read the rest before I comment really, but OH WELL. The thing is, a lot of kids go apeshit crazy over this stuff, and it's basically Dan Brown with domestic violence. To be fair, I would have read it at fourteen and loved it, but at fourteen I also liked Rollin by Limp Bizkit and Orlando Bloom. Teenagers have shitty taste in everything. It's not fair to expose them to stuff that tells them abusive relationships are something to aspire to while you're feeding them trashy novels, they're already fucked up enough without that sort of thing.

I blame the Mormons.

Comments welcome as always, I most definitely welcome opposing views on the series or the views of people who managed to make their way through all the books. You can insult my goth-lite reading/fapping material if you like, I don't mind. You know I love a good argument. Then again, I already know that my own collection of vampire novels is nothing more than porn for girls like me who tread the line between nerdy and spooky (you know, like most of the vagina-owners reading this. Admit it. You LOVE Lestat).

Conclusion: I am worryingly proud of some words I posted elsewhere on the internet, where I was mean about something somebody else loves. Now I want you to tell me how cool I am for dissing Twilight just like all the fashionable people do.