Fundies make me want to cry

They really do. I've been collecting quotes from around the internets recently, and I thought I'd share the stupid. They're pretty funny, but they'd be funnier if it wasn't for the fact that these people breed quickly and force their shitty worldview on everyone else. I'll even put in a blogger's commentary for you.

“Swine 'Flu is an End Time disease made by Man and God will not let any Christian catch that disease.”

Um, right. Because influenza isn't a vrus that occurs naturally and evolves at all. Oh no, I mentioned evolution! Oh yeah and I'm pretty sure a lot of Mexicans are Catholic and a whole lot of people in Mexico died of swine flu. Oh but Catholics aren't Christian (I hear that a lot) and it makes perfect sense for a benevolent god to punish the beings it created just because it's bored of them.

“hetero - best choice (harder, difficult, less natural, more possibilites)
homo - less than best (easier, more selfish, more natural, biological children between partners are aborted before conception)”

Er, what? Biological children between homosexual partners are aborted before conception? You can't be aborted if you haven't been conceived, and thinking gay couples can make babies in the first place shows a worrying lack of brainpower. And this whole natural/not natural thing is the opposite way round to the normal homophobic rant. No idea what this one is on about.

“do you find it interesting that Hillary just invited the Russians to inspect our nuclear weapon stockpiles and Labs and feel free to ask any question they like about our nuclear Program that have to be answered by our scientists..


Humm very interesting......

Impeach the Bastards now traitor scum”

Random capitalisation ftw! Also, funny how it's bad to be friends with the Russians (who are officially on 'our side' now or something) but it's okay to be up the backside of the Saudi royal family as long as you're a shit-for-brains Republican president. Because that's different you see. And speaking about that kind of sickening hypocrisy...

“At the G20 summit in April 2009, Obama bowed deeply to Saudi King Abdullah, a Muslim who is also the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques. Never before in the history of the U.S. has a president displayed such shocking deference to a foreign official and Obama has not bowed to any other royal leaders... Many liberals and even a handful of conservatives have proposed that President Bush also bowed before King Abdullah. However, there is a vast, inexorable difference between bending down to receive a medal as Bush did and bowing in deference to a foreign leader as Obama did.”

Oh Conservapedia, I love you. You're a constant source of fuel for my hatred. Personally, the only difference I see here is that Obama was adhering to the rules and Bush had been enough of a suck-up to get a medal. I'd rather Obama had told the Saudi king to piss off and stop being a sexist shitbag, but hey, he's not my president.

“A liberal (also leftist) is someone who rejects logical and biblical standards, often for self-centered reasons. There are no coherent liberal standards; often a liberal is merely someone who craves attention, and who uses many words to say nothing.”

OH GOD NO NOT THE LEFTISTS WITH THEIR ABORTIONS AND THEIR BABY EATING AND THEIR GAY AGENDA. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM WITH THEIR BIG WORDS :(

“Abortion increases the risk of breast cancer, future premature birth, and other long-term health problems for the mother”

Ah. Now this is an interesting one. It actually depends on who you're comparing the women to. If you compare them to women who have carried a foetus to term, then part this is true, but it's shitty wording. A woman who has given birth (and probably breastfed, I can't remember and I'm not looking through my old course notes now) is less likely to develop hormone-related cancers. That's because hormone-related cancers in women, such as breast cancer, are sensitive to oestrogen, and progesterone is the pregnancy hormone keeping oestrogen from destroying your lady parts (albeit incredibly slowly). However, if you compare women who have had abortions to women who have never bbeen pregnant, the levels of hormone-related cancers are about the same. So yeah, depends how you look at it. The rest is bollocks though. Abortion only increases long-term health problems if it's botched, and of course that happens much more often when abortion is illegal. Lying for Jesus is still lying.

“Dawkins' book "The God Delusion" along with a community college biology class, have been linked to the tragic suicide of Jesse Kilgore. Kilgore had several discussions with friends and relatives in which he made it clear Dawkins' book had destroyed his belief in God. This loss of faith is considered the cause of his suicide which is not surprising given that there is evidence which suggest that atheism can be a causal factor for suicide for some individuals.”

More Conservapedia. I'd like to see the stats behind this to be honest. Sounds dodgy. I know loads of atheists, and any who have had suicidal feelings have had those for unrelated reasons. Unless you guys are hiding something from me. Also, remember kids, science makes you kill yourself.

“God chose my parents and gave me the right parents. And he gave most people the wrong parents especially the sikhs and muslims.”

Well lucky you. How old are you, five? What's your problem with the brown people anyway? I mean, I get the thing about Islam being kind of shit, but it's not like your religion is free of murderous nutjobs.

“Obama does not want black students to get a Catholic education as 99% of black high school students in Catholic high schools go to college. Obama prefers that black students go only to public high schools where teachers can brainwash black students into being abortionists and ultra liberal.”

I don't think Obama cares that much where black kids are getting their education as long as they're getting it. Pretty sure that was the theme of his speech that was broadcast in schools. You know, the ones where you guys decided to keep your kids out of school for the day, thereby depriving them of good education, in case he managed to indoctrinate them into being Communazi librul gaytheists in the space of 20 minutes. Pot, meet kettle (OH LOL INADVERTENT BLACK REFERENCE)

“I assume most atheists know whatever they've been brainwashed in high school to know and I assume it will not do anything to aid them in their burger flipping jobs.

The brainwashing includes environmentalism and a hatred of our own culture. The youth today all feel guilty and nihilistic. And we wonder why we're falling behind.”

I flipped burgers to pay for driving lessons and save up money for uni. Fuck you and your misconceptions. I'm taking this one personally, because it's not only anti-atheist but also classist. I get enough shit in real life for being working-class, let alone from strangers on the internet. Boo fucking hoo, environmentalism as well. I suppose this one thinks we don't need to look after the environment, because Baby Jesus will come to collect all the good 'Christians' (in quotes because people who actually follow Jesus don't do this stuff) and they won't need the environment any more. What about the rest of the human race? Well, we're all unbelievers, we deserve to live in a polluted wasteland.

So yeah. A nice little selection of the stuff you get to read whenever there's user-generated content that isn't made by nerds. I have no problem with letting them all continue either- they have the right to free speech, and that right applies to me too. If they can carry on posting this ridiculous shit, I can carry on making them look like the idiots they really are. Yay free speech!

In general, I'm one of those people who thinks they should always shut up about their problems and experiences, because as far as I'm concerned, nobody needs to hear about my minor problems. Everyopne else has their own problems to think about, why should I dump mine on them too, etc.

Where that sort of thinking goes wrong is when you realise that you've either underestimated your problems or you're actually just covering up the true extent of what's happening. If you've experienced anything similar to what someone else is going through, telling them might even help them since they know it's not something they have to deal with alone.

So I suppose I should say this: I've always kept quiet about my experience of sexual assault and unwanted attention, and now I'm going to say something about it. It's actually very minor (there I go again) but I will explain my reasons for telling you all about it.

Firstly, the reason I've never said anything or only spoken about this as if it's not a big deal: I know people who have been raped. In comparison to that, anything I've experienced really is a minor event. I would never want to make light of what happened to them by telling them about 'this one time some guy felt me up in a crowded bar'. Nobody has ever physically hurt me or done anything to me that caused me long-term psychological damage.

However... those little things that have happened to me are signs of the attitudes that mean people get away with much worse.

I was sexually harrassed at work when I was a teenager- a guy I worked with thought it was okay to slap my arse in front of customers and make suggestive comments about me, and then had the balls to say that I should take it as a compliment. Excuse me? How is it a compliment to recieve attention like that AT ALL, let alone when you've told him that it freaks you out and that you already have a boyfriend? Anything you push on someone after they say no is not a compliment. It's an insult, because you're saying that their consent and freedom is not important to you.

At a party a friend of a friend decided to ask for a hug, and then grabbed my arse (clearly, there's something about my backside that gets morons going). Not a big deal at all, but the reason he gave for doing so was essentially that I obviously wouldn't mind because I had spent the evening with a group of guys, and I had kissed one of them. Wow, slut-shaming much? Kissing one guy out of a group which included most of my male friends apparently made me available to everyone, even if I was genuinely attracted to that one person and the others were just 'the guys'.

The one time I went to a nightclub- as opposed to a sticky-floored rock club where everyone wears DMs and leather- a complete stranger stuck his hand up my skirt. Okay, I was wearing a very short skirt, but it was fucking JUNE. And why should I have to justify what I was wearing anyway? The fact is, a man I didn't know came up to me and started to touch particular bits of me without asking. I don't even like being hugged without permission, and this person walked up to me and without saying a word started trying to get his fingers inside my knickers. I was freaked out, and got as far away from him as possible. I know now that what I should have done was told a bouncer and got him kicked out, but of course at the time I just wanted this random to stop.

So yeah, the things I've talked about here are minor compared to the things that happen to other people. But these minor things happen all the time, to all kinds of people- everything that happened to me was a straight girl and straight guys but it could happen with any combination of people, and it does happen like that. If you think it's okay to make unwanted advances, or you think someone makes themselves sexually available to everyone by consenting to the first steps of sexual contact with one person, or you think the way somebody dresses makes it okay for you to do whatever you want without asking... that is seriously fucked up. What you're saying there is that you don't see that person's consent as important.

If you don't see consent as important, you're condoning rape.

That might seem extreme. But I don't think so. If you're not going to take someone seriously when they don't want to be touched intimately in a public place, you're damn well not going to take them seriously if you're alone with them. Two of these three experiences I've shared happened with nobody taking notice of what was happening- or if they did notice, they weren't that bothered, because they never said a word. We need to start calling people out for this shitty behaviour, because if they're doing it where everyopne can see they're doing it where we can't, and that's when others get raped.

Yay!

US House of Representatives passes healthcare reform bill

It passed 220 to 215, which isn't much, but it's enough. It's nice to see that American politicians can do the right thing, as much as ours here in the UK are making things go tits-up again.

The thing that amuses me the most is the quote from Republican (but of course) Candice Miller:

"We are going to have a complete government takeover of our healthcare system faster than you can say `this is making me sick'."

And? What's so worrying about that? Works for, oh, I dunno- most of Western Europe. Then again, we also have gay marriage, higher education that doesn't cost 20K a year, secular society and occasional appearances from politicians who are actually left-wing. These are things that make Republicans shit their pants and tell their voters that Europe is full of godless Commie bastards who teach evolution, safe sex and fag-enabling in schools.

I mean, Europe is like that, but I like it this way.

Anyway, the bill is now off to the Senate, and hopefully it'll become law soon. It's not exactly a healthcare system yet, but it's a start. Good luck Americans, you guys deserve affordable medical bills- or none at all, but compromise will do for now.

Storm

I wanted to share this with you guys:

Storm- Tim Minchin

It's a beat poem I really like. It's funny, sweary and very clever. And, you know, Tim Minchin is awesome. I managed to find the lyrics online for anyone who's reading this at work/uni and can't listen to it. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do.

Inner North London, top floor flat
All white walls, white carpet, white cat,
Rice Paper partitions
Modern art and ambition
The host’s a physician,
Lovely bloke, has his own practice
His girlfriend’s an actress
An old mate from home
And they’re always great fun.
So to dinner we’ve come.

The fifth guest is an unknown,
The hosts have just thrown
Us together for a favor
because this girl’s just arrived from Australia
And has moved to North London
And she’s the sister of someone
Or has some connection.

As we make introductions
I’m struck by her beauty
She’s irrefutably fair
With dark eyes and dark hair
But as she sits
I admit I’m a little bit wary
because I notice the tip of the wing of a fairy
Tattooed on that popular area
Just above the derrière
And when she says “I’m Sagittarian”
I confess a pigeonhole starts to form
And is immediately filled with pigeon
When she says her name is Storm.

Chatter is initially bright and light-hearted
But it’s not long before Storm gets started:
“You can’t know anything,
Knowledge is merely opinion”
She opines, over her Cabernet Sauvignon
Vis-à-vis,
Some un-hippily
Empirical comment by me

“Not a good start” I think
We’re only on pre-dinner drinks
And across the room, my wife
Widens her eyes
Silently begs me, Be Nice
A matrimonial warning
Not worth ignoring
So I resist the urge to ask Storm
Whether knowledge is so loose-weave
Of a morning
When deciding whether to leave
Her apartment by the front door
Or a window on the second floor.

The food is delicious and Storm,
Whilst avoiding all meat
Happily sits and eats
While the good doctor, slightly pissedly
Holds court on some anachronistic aspect of medical history
When Storm suddenly she insists
“But the human body is a mystery!
Science just falls in a hole
When it tries to explain the the nature of the soul.”

My hostess throws me a glance
She, like my wife, knows there’s a chance
That I’ll be off on one of my rants
But my lips are sealed.
I just want to enjoy my meal
And although Storm is starting to get my goat
I have no intention of rocking the boat,
Although it’s becoming a bit of a wrestle
Because - like her meteorological namesake -
Storm has no such concerns for our vessel:

“Pharmaceutical companies are the enemy
They promote drug dependency
At the cost of the natural remedies
That are all our bodies need
They are immoral and driven by greed.
Why take drugs
When herbs can solve it?
Why use chemicals
When homeopathic solvents
Can resolve it?
It’s time we all return-to-live
With natural medical alternatives.”

And try as hard as I like,
A small crack appears
In my diplomacy-dike.
“By definition”, I begin
“Alternative Medicine”, I continue
“Has either not been proved to work,
Or been proved not to work.
You know what they call “alternative medicine”
That’s been proved to work?
Medicine.”

“So you don’t believe
In ANY Natural remedies?”

“On the contrary actually:
Before we came to tea,
I took a natural remedy
Derived from the bark of a willow tree
A painkiller that’s virtually side-effect free
It’s got a weird name,
Darling, what was it again?
Masprin?
Basprin?
Asprin!
Which I paid about a buck for
Down at my local drugstore.

The debate briefly abates
As our hosts collects plates
but as they return with desserts
Storm pertly asserts,

“Shakespeare said it first:
There are more things in heaven and earth
Than exist in your philosophy…
Science is just how we’re trained to look at reality,
It can’t explain love or spirituality.
How does science explain psychics?
Auras; the afterlife; the power of prayer?”

I’m becoming aware
That I’m staring,
I’m like a rabbit suddenly trapped
In the blinding headlights of vacuous crap.
Maybe it’s the Hamlet she just mis-quothed
Or the eighth glass of wine I just quaffed
But my diplomacy dike groans
And the arsehole held back by its stones
Can be held back no more:

“Look , Storm, I don’t mean to bore you
But there’s no such thing as an aura!
Reading Auras is like reading minds
Or star-signs or tea-leaves or meridian lines
These people aren’t plying a skill,
They are either lying or mentally ill.
Same goes for those who claim to hear God’s demands
And Spiritual healers who think they have magic hands.

By the way,
Why is it OK
For people to pretend they can talk to the dead?
Is it not totally fucked in the head
Lying to some crying woman whose child has died
And telling her you’re in touch with the other side?
That’s just fundamentally sick
Do we need to clarify that there’s no such thing as a psychic?
What, are we fucking 2?
Do we actually think that Horton Heard a Who?
Do we still think that Santa brings us gifts?
That Michael Jackson hasn’t had facelifts?
Are we still so stunned by circus tricks
That we think that the dead would
Wanna talk to pricks
Like John Edward?

Storm to her credit despite my derision
Keeps firing off clichés with startling precision
Like a sniper using bollocks for ammunition

“You’re so sure of your position
But you’re just closed-minded
I think you’ll find
Your faith in Science and Tests
Is just as blind
As the faith of any fundamentalist”

“Hm that’s a good point, let me think for a bit
Oh wait, my mistake, it’s absolute bullshit.
Science adjusts it’s beliefs based on what’s observed
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved.
If you show me
That, say, homeopathy works,
Then I will change my mind
I’ll spin on a fucking dime
I’ll be embarrassed as hell,
But I will run through the streets yelling
It’s a miracle! Take physics and bin it!
Water has memory!
And while it’s memory of a long lost drop of onion juice is Infinite
It somehow forgets all the poo it’s had in it!

You show me that it works and how it works
And when I’ve recovered from the shock
I will take a compass and carve Fancy That on the side of my cock.”

Everyone’s just staring at me now,
But I’m pretty pissed and I’ve dug this far down,
So I figure, in for penny, in for a pound:

“Life is full of mysteries, yeah,
But there are answers out there
And they won’t be found
By people sitting around
Looking serious
And saying isn’t life mysterious?
Let’s sit here and hope
Let’s call up the fucking Pope
Let’s go watch Oprah
Interview Deepak Chopra

If you’re going to watch tele, you should watch Scooby Doo.
That show was so cool
because every time there’s a church with a ghoul
Or a ghost in a school
They looked beneath the mask and what was inside?
The fucking janitor or the dude who runs the water-slide.
Throughout history
Every mystery
EVER solved has turned out to be
Not Magic.

Does the idea that there might be truth
Frighten you?
Does the idea that one afternoon
On Wiki-fucking-pedia might enlighten you
Frighten you?
Does the notion that there may not be a supernatural
So blow your hippy noodle
That you would rather just stand in the fog
Of your inability to Google?

Isn’t this enough?
Just this world?
Just this beautiful, complex
Wonderfully unfathomable world?
How does it so fail to hold our attention
That we have to diminish it with the invention
Of cheap, man-made Myths and Monsters?
If you’re so into Shakespeare
Lend me your ear:
“To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,
To throw perfume on the violet… is just fucking silly”
Or something like that.
Or what about Satchmo?!
I see trees of Green,
Red roses too,
And fine, if you wish to
Glorify Krishna and Vishnu
In a post-colonial, condescending
Bottled-up and labeled kind of way
That’s ok.
But here’s what gives me a hard-on:
I am a tiny, insignificant, ignorant lump of carbon.
I have one life, and it is short
And unimportant…
But thanks to recent scientific advances
I get to live twice as long as my great great great great uncles and auntses.
Twice as long to live this life of mine
Twice as long to love this wife of mine
Twice as many years of friends and wine
Of sharing curries and getting shitty
With good-looking hippies
With fairies on their spines
And butterflies on their titties.

And if perchance I have offended
Think but this and all is mended:
We’d as well be 10 minutes back in time,
For all the chance you’ll change your mind.

I has moar stuffs!

So I added an extra little thing at the side there *points to the right* so you can read some of the things I read, if you're the sort to follow links endlessly and get all angry (which you probably are if you read this blog).

I dare say I'll add to it at some point. Most of the links are to blogs that do what I do, only better- Bad Science, Pharyngula, Feministe etc are examples of proper grown-ups doing proper jobs who somehow find time to write very well about important things. Pharyngula also has Cthulhu. There's some humour in there too. If you like inappropriate use of meme and laughing at people who insist that they didn't come from no monkies, Yahoo Answers has a marvellous (and immensely irritating) religion section. I go there to vent and make Star Wars jokes, which has somehow earned me OVER NINE THOUSAND points and a shiny orange badge.

I would have put things like the BBC there, but if you can't find the BBC website on your own you're the type of moron I spend all my time complaining about.

Go forth and click!