And now for something completely different

I thought I'd write something that I've been thinking about doing for some time. I've done a little bit about this before, back in the day when I was using Facebook Notes instead of having a feed to a REAL BLOG ON THE WIDER INTARWEBS. Basically, I read and watch a lot of science fiction, fantasy and general spooky-ooky explodey stuff. The older I get and the more I see of the internet, the more I realise that there are some fucking terrible plotlines and stereotypes that keep getting used. Instead of getting angry, I thought it'd be a nice change to make fun of them. Remember, this is all done by a colossal nerd- I have a lot of love for tacky 'supernatural mysteries' novels, for example- and it's all done in good humour. It's not meant to be an attack on your personal taste, yor favourite writer or your preferred celebrity sex object. Honestly.

I'm sure you'll all know of at least one example of these things from your own favourite books, films or TV shows. So here we go: a list of the cheesy shit that nerds fall for every single time. Enjoy.

Attractive young ladies with supernatural talents have difficult choices to make. The blonde vampire or the brunette one? The vampire or the werewolf? The red shoes or the black ones? Gosh, life is difficult for a 20-year-old American blonde who can do martial arts in high heels. So very difficult.

The older someone is, and the harder they are to kill, the more likely it is that the love of their life is human. Life's a bitch, I know. And this is responsible for the next one...

OH GOD IT IS SO SAD AND LONELY BEING 500 YEARS OLD. LOOK AT THIS SINGLE TEAR RUNNING DOWN MY PERFECTLY SCULPTED CHEEKBONE. I AM SO SAD. WHY GOD, WHY. I AM SO ALONE. NOBODY LOVES ME. EVEN THOUGH I AM REALLY, REALLY, RIDICULOUSLY GOOD-LOOKING. SO SAD. An hour and a half of this (all in caps since it's often shitty acting too) and some poor bastard's career is ruined as he embarks on a lifetime of being stalked by fifteen-year-old girls who send pictures they've drawn in felt tip of 'you and me together forever'.

You see that bloke over there in the black cloak? Yeah, the shifty-looking one. He's secretly one of the good guys. I don't care if he's flirting with your mother, he's definitely on your side.

Having no parents is actually pretty awesome, and hanging out with really old dudes is completely normal when you're an orphan. Can't get anything done without a teenage orphan and/or a wizard. Preferably both. Which is totally not creepy at all.

Oh no! That kindly old man has been killed by an enemy! Our quest is ruined! Oh no, wait, he's back again in a different outfit. Or he might be a ghost. Or a painting that moves, or with a new face, or some other shit like that. Either way, you're not getting rid of the grumpy old bastard that easily. (Totally obvious references to mainstream geekery right here, +1 internet if you can get them all)

If it's called Captain Jack, you don't know where it's been, and you should avoid it in case you catch something nasty. I'm just warning you.

Bad guys dress in black. They all seem to look like Alan Rickman, Jeremy Irons or Tim Curry. At least, they do if you can see their face.

Ceiling Dark Lord is watching you masturbate. Because he has no body of his own, you see, and is incredibly jealous. But one day he will rise again, and then we're all dead meat, unless you go over to the Dark Side and rule at his side, or whatever. You could, you know, if you're a protagonist. And if he didn't kill your dad, he probably is your dad.

Weedy people and tramps are generally the heirs to thrones that have been abandoned for centuries while the villagers tell tourists about magic swords and how awesome life was back in the day before these smug cunts at the palace took over while conveniently not using the title 'king'.

That brave soldier was a girl all along! Who would have known? What a shocker!

I AM RIDING ALONG THE FRONT LINE OF TROOPS ON A BATTLEFIELD. I AM MAKING A DEEP AND INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH AS I DO SO AND I AM YELLING PRETTY LOUDLY. YOU ARE ALL ABOUT TO BE MASSACRED IN SLOW MOTION BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE MY HORSE IS WHITE. YAY, HORSIE. I TURN AROUND AND BELLOW WORDLESSLY AND THEN WE ALL RUN WITH NO REAL COMMANDS. FOR NARNIA/MIDDLE EARTH/WHEREVER THE FUCK WE ARE! *waves sword vaguely*

Please feel free to add your own, it's almost midnight and I have work in the morning. It'd be awesome to come back to this and see a growing list of silliness rather than an internet fight about how I'm just so mean for not liking your favourite programme ever.